“(Barack and the kids) will pull weeds, whether they like it or not.”

New York ran a quick piece in June jokingly deriding Michelle Obama for her “overachieving” organic vegetable garden, which she planted in hopes of teaching Americans more about nutrition. That month, the garden yielded 73 pounds of lettuce and 12 pounds of peas, with the lettuce total now up to an improbable 153 pounds. It also produces collards, chards, herbs, and berries.

For the first time in her adult life, I think Michelle Obama can be proud of her vegetable garden.

But I’d take it a step further than merely “overachieving” and say there’s something vaguely sinister afoot on the East Lawn. This looks more like a labor camp than the White House. Who are these people, tiny enslaved Americorps “volunteers?” Children she lured through the side gate with the promise of abundant kale? I mean, 153 pounds? What, is she fertilizing the garden with these kids?

According to the pool report, the kids were indeed working their little fingers to the bone to serve Michelle her arugula:

While one group of children worked in the kitchen (see first report) others were outside preparing salad and decorating cup cakes with raspberries and blueberries (apparently an alternative to frosting.)


"This is tastier than paint chips, huh kids?"

And as for using them for fertilizer, I was wrong. Actually, it turns out it’s fertilized with lead! On July 11, the White House had to admit the soil contains 93 parts per million of lead as opposed to the 10-5o ppm cited as a safe level for children. (FLASHBACK: “This doesn’t help my kids.”)

Lead truly becomes a serious danger at around 300 ppm.

Apparently, the delicious mineral is courtesy of “sewer sludge” from a nearby water treatment plant, which Clinton-era staff used to fertilize the grounds. Using waste water as fertilizer is legal in the US, but not for use in areas where crops are being grown for consumption.

White House Assistant Chef Sam Kass admits the garden is not “certified organic,” but a spokesman for the First Lady says the family intends to continue eating it and feeding it to foreign dignitaries.

I guess that means we can add Michelle Obama to the list with Hillary Clinton as one more person with a stronger foreign policy stance than the POTUS.

The other reason to keep the garden around is it deflects attention from the FLOTUS’s true evil-deeds.

The President seems to be gearing up to relocate the health care policy debate to the White House, where Michelle, David Axelrod, and Valerie Jarett have his ear on a daily basis. Coincidentally, Michelle helped create the disgraceful, and apparently borderline illegal, Urban Health Initiative at the University of Chicago. And Jarett assisted in hiring Axelrod to whitewash the patient dumping program and sell it to the public. This is similar to what the UK’s National Health Service does– that is, “educate patients” on the difference between primary and emergency care, and “increase self-treatment.” Self-treatment?

The result? UCMC sent Dontae Adams home last August after a pit bull attacked him, ripping off part of his hip and most of his upper lip. But, hell, Barack’s own grandmother can’t get a hand with her hip, so Dontae Adams was barking up the wrong tree. His mother had to take him on an hour-long bus ride across town, where he immediately had reconstructive surgery to “preserve his speech.” Yet when UCMC had discovered they were on Medicaid, it was determined all Dontae would need was morphine and antibiotics.

Surgeons were upset the FLOTUS and the rest of the hospital board implemented the changes without consulting them, and staff called the move “an attempt to ensure that the hospital retains only affluent patients with insurance.”

According to the Chicago Tribune, UCMC ranks at the bottom for free care despite reaping “10s of millions of dollars in tax benefits for its promise to treat the uninsured.”

This is a lot like when we first heard the Blagojevich tapes, and realized Patty’s mouth put Rod’s to shame. Michelle is just as cynical and corrupt as the rest.

gardenMichelle’s other major misdeed has been her alleged involvement in Gerald Walpin’s firing as Americorps Inspector General. After it was decided that the volunteer corps would be the FLOTUS pet project, it seems Michelle settled on moving her Chief of Staff into the role of Americorps/CNCS senior advisor. But first, Walpin had to go– he’d uncovered the organization’s waste, fraud, and abuse, having spent duplicate money, violated grant rules, cheated on background checks, and seen La Raza waste its funds. Not only did Pres. Obama fire him though, he ignored his responsibility to provide Congress with a non-political reason for doing so. Instead, he gave three reasons at three different times, never referring again to the others.

Michelle is now selecting the nominee for Americorps CEO, and the press will inevitably give him only cursory examination.

And if any unbecoming news does break, she can get back out for a photo-op in the garden , where she does all her heavy labor in full wrap cardigans and tights, because she’s going for authenticity here. (This from the woman who complained to a group of blue collar housewives about the perils of being a millionaire and having to pay for tennis and piano lessons.)

This woman is what Hillary Clinton would be if HRC were born and bred in Chicago Gangland, but she can just decorate cupcakes with organic berries and then take the girls to J. Crew for some summer cardigans, and we can forget all about this silly politics she deigned to get involved in.

I hope there’s room to bury secrets and lies next to the thyme and arugula.