“Washington is a Hollywood for ugly people. Hollywood is a Washington for the simpleminded.” -John McCain, 2003

Bravo TV network, home to The Real Housewives of New York, Orange County, Atlanta and New Jersey, has announced it will add another locale to the franchise, tapping Washington, D.C. and attempting to dispense with the uglies in favor of the simpleminded. Or, in the words of Bravo EVP Frances Berwick:

We’re tapping personalities who are among Washington D.C.’s influential players, cultural connoisseurs, fashion sophisticates and philanthropic leaders. The people who rub elbows with the most
prominent people in the country and easily move in the city’s diverse political and social circles.

In other words, vapid gold-diggers and black widows, the kind who party at Lake Havasu while their husbands lie on their deathbeds riddled with cancer (Gretch, Orange County Season 3).

But producers may have trouble finding anyone with higher regard for herself than Kelly Killoren Bensimon, whose ego engulfs whole warehouse clubs, sucking up all the air in the room and suffocating Brooklyn partygoers; or a woman more clueless about her flagrantly gay husband than Alex McCord, who named her children Francois and Johan (no shit):


Bloomberg columnist Margaret Carlson points out that Bravo has its work cut out. While Obama may have made D.C. “hap’ning” again,

Have they paid Washington a visit? The best-dressed aide on Capitol Hill would horrify the lowest grip at Universal Studios. There are no cultural connoisseurs.

Carlson must be forgetting Michelle Obama, whose multiple-cardigan, mix-n-match cat lady chic is winning rave reviews overseas. Appropriately, this kind of reminds me of the Kennedy crazies at Grey Gardens:


But more to the point, I would settle for being on The Real Housewives of DC, that’s what I’m saying here. It’s certainly slumming it compared to Real World: DC, and I’ll still stop at nothing to get into that hot tub. But, the Housewives offer an opportunity. Each season, the young, loose housewife does something the rest of the wives find absolutely detestable. This means she goes well beyond getting into a tiff over Restylane in the middle of serving dinner at a home for cancer patients. No, this housewife hooks up with an underage gentleman. For example, the original season saw Gretchen woo Tamra’s young son, Ryan. Here she is just before the pounce, but just after half a box of pinot grigio:


This is my mark. This is my mission, albeit slightly ambitious. I think Gretchen would still look great in a Macy’s pantsuit a la Hillary. Especially if she keeps doing that with the fork.